By this point, we all realize that not all insults are wrapped in raw hostility. Sometimes it’s a backhanded compliment from a coworker, a passive-aggressive remark at the dinner table, or that thinly veiled “joke” from a friend that stings more than it hits its target.
So, what do you do if someone does cross the line in the spirit of being funny or “honest”? Harvard-trained etiquette coach Sara Jane Ho recommends that there is a hugely successful way of putting a stop to it, with just three words.
“Are you okay?”
That’s it. That’s the move. Don’t let the simplicity fool you, though. Ho said that these three little words, when used correctly, can be incredibly disarming.
“If it’s a friend who hurt you with what they said, I usually look up and say, ‘Are you okay?'” Ho replied in an interview with CNBC. “I am not offending back. I am speaking from a place of concern, and that is usually to put the other person in check.”
Ho, founder of Institute Sarita and star of the Netflix series “Mind Your Manners”, has built a career teaching others how to navigate rude and difficult social situations with grace.
Her etiquette style isn’t about formalism, but rather about empowerment. And in addressing rudeness, her attitude has a quiet but powerful punch.
The excellence of the sentence is the manner in which it deflects the situation. Instead of feeding tension or lowering oneself to the level of the culprit, it deflects the issue.
Ho’s response implies, if not declares, that the person’s comment was uncalled for, and maybe a manifestation of something deeper happening to him or her.
“You don’t want to respond to rudeness with rudeness,” Ho suggests, “Tone is everything. Say it with curiosity, not accusation. You’re not attacking, you’re checking in, firmly, but sincerely.”
Evidently, the technique is analogous to advice from other Harvard-trained professionals.
Psychologist Dr. Cortney Warren, for example, tells people to redirect their attention from reacting to disrespectful behavior and attempting to understand what is motivating it.
“Negative people tend to be in their own hurt,” she said to CNBC as part of another article. “Your calmness can be a powerful response.”
Silence
But what if this rude person is not a friend? What if a colleague, acquaintance, or someone you barely know is being rude to you?
If so, Ho suggests an even more straightforward alternative: silence.
“Too often, though, I believe that when people are rude, the best idea is to say nothing at all,” she goes on. “Let them wallow, and let them wallow in their bad manners.”
The strategy is to withhold the offending comment the attention or reaction it seeks. Silence, when used deliberately, can be a message. It sends a message that you have heard, but are nevertheless choosing not to respond to the comment.
In an age of technology in which clapbacks and callouts are revered, this kind of emotional restraint is an act of revolution. To Ho, however, it’s the ultimate power play.
“The strongest thing is showing the other person that they have no power over you,” she says.
It’s one that transcends personal put-downs. Ho tends to speak about how small, repeated acts of kindness and self-love can set the tone for how people act around you. Indeed, she believes that how we respond to negativity tends to instruct people on how we’d like to be treated.
Inner Peace
And if you are the kind of person who has a hard time standing up to rude behavior without freezing or fuming, you are not alone. It takes practice and occasional planning. Ho suggests visualizing these interactions beforehand and rehearsing peaceful responses.
It’s not about being fake – it’s about being prepared.
Want to take it one step further than that? Start by achieving inner peace yourself. “Emotional regulation is key to social grace,” she’s been quoted as saying in earlier interviews.
That means breathing, taking it easy, and not letting another person’s bad mood hijack your emotions.
You are Above it All
When kindness is used as a weapon or social relations are frayed, your best defense at times is that simple, non-confrontational question: “Are you okay?” Not only does it bring attention to the behavior peacefully, but it also forces the other person to reconsider their actions.
If they’re truly having a terrible day, your question might be a blessing to them. And if they’re merely being rude, it puts them on notice that their behavior isn’t going unseen, and that you’re not afraid to speak up about it in a non-confrontational manner.
And lastly, the beauty of saying nothing at all shouldn’t be discounted. Maturity, self-control, and self-esteem are all communicated through silence. It tells the room and the troublemaker that you’re above it all.
In either instance, either by responding with softly expressed interest or strategic silence, Ho’s counsel has a strong effect: it protects your dignity and brings attention to other people’s poor behavior without adding fuel to it.
In a world where so much communication, especially online, is appearing to be aggressive, performative, or emotionally unstable, this low-key, nearly surgical style of dealing with social conflict might be the soft skill we could all benefit from.
After all, manners aren’t always a matter of which fork to eat with. Occasionally, they involve knowing exactly what to say, or not say, when someone is trying to bring you down a peg.
So the next time someone launches a catty dig in your direction, you’ve got choices. Three words, spoken correctly, might be all it takes to stay classy and in command.
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