“How are you?” These are the three most useless words in communication. The party asking does not really care, and the responder will not tell the truth. All that is left is a lost moment and a hollow exchange with nothing behind it. How to make small talk?
The secret to getting the most out of small talk, Harvard researchers say, is simply to ask the other person follow-up questions.
In a series of experiments, researchers studied more than 300 online discussions and found that individuals who were asked more meaningful follow-up questions (questions that are not “how are you?” or “what do you do?”), rated the other person as much more likable.
The researchers concluded from the following,
“When people are instructed to ask more questions, they are seen as more responsive, an interpersonal skill involving listening, understanding, validation, and caring,”.
So, how do you transition from tongue-tied to a charismatic and interesting person? It’s just a matter of what that initial question is that you ask, and then you can listen for what the rhythm of follow-up questions is.
Below are seven steps to take toward having a good conversation:
1. Employ the A.C.T. Trick to Establish a Connection With People
How long has it been since you’ve had a meeting that didn’t begin with small talk? It’s a human method of connection. Begin with a question that will lead to a conversation that is A.C.T. compliant:
A – There’s Authenticity
C – There is a Connection
T – There is one Topic that will give you an idea of what to bond on
Some of these questions are:
- “What is your current state of mind?”
- “What are you most looking forward to this week?”
- “You look like a celebrity, but I don’t know who. Who do you look like?”
2. Step Back From the “Hourly Update”
The default for many individuals is similar to the newscast “hourly update”, traffic, sports, weather, etc.
Memorize this: It’s a poor icebreaker. There are exceptions, such as when it’s something you really are interested in and your boss or coworker also has that same interest. But work on moving on from those general topics to something more personal and important to you.
3. Be Present and Immerse Yourself in What is Around You
Open your eyes before you open your mouth. Look for something to comment on in the environment, such as a picture on the wall, an unusual gadget, a family photo on their desk, a racing car helmet, or foreign coins.
Something will lead you to small talk and allow the conversation to move on to interesting follow-up questions.
“Open your eyes before you open your mouth.” Gary Burnison, CEO, Korn Ferry
Imagine you are interviewing the CEO of a large, iconic firm who is retiring, and you notice a row of vacant boxes on the wall of the CEO’s office. You might start by saying, “How hard is it for you to relinquish this position?”
That will lead to a much deeper and emotionally richer conversation, and it never would have happened if you had not noticed those boxes.
4. Give Some News (That Actually Happened)
If you “have news,” share it: “I acquired a pet last weekend” or “Yesterday, my 6-year-old learned to bike!” Surprisingly, most people really do want to know more about other individuals, particularly if you both work for the same employer.
If you’re new to an organization and you’re leading a team, for example, start your first team meeting by having everyone go around the room and share one thing that recently happened in their life.
In that simple sharing, you’ve made each person feel more connected to each other on a personal and authentic level. Your purpose is to tell the truth and not lie. Otherwise, you will not be able to answer other questions on a topic on which you know nothing or little.
5. Speak Up
Regardless of whether you are meeting in person or dialing in on a conference call, talk early.
If you hold back, two things will likely happen:
- The point you wanted to make will be made by somebody else.
- Your more loquacious colleagues will come in with their own follow-up questions. You’ll be stuck in cross-talk and lose your chance.
6. It Is Not What You Say but How You Say It
No matter what and how much you say, you will be conveying so much by your tone of voice, expressions, and eyes.
In person, maintain eye contact with the person you’re addressing, not the conference table or the wall. On the phone, smile; it will make your voice warm. It’s not necessarily what you say, but how you say it, that will make others identify with you.
7. Take the pivot
This is where you transition from making small talk to the next, from talking about something trivial to the subject matter. If the small talk is already underway, it will be easy and you’ll be able to ask the follow-up questions.
Alternatively, it’s your boss initiating the small talk: “So, what’s new with [X]?” Because of the small talk, you’re already in harmony. You can then move into a deeper conversation that showcases your knowledge, contribution, and confidence.
Dare Yourself to Step Out of Your Comfort Zone
Small talk is agony for introverts. But if you don’t initiate small talk in those few minutes leading up to a meeting or when you’re alone together in the elevator with your boss, you might as well be invisible.
Next, take a breath. Almost everyone is afraid of others; they don’t know exactly how to make small talk, especially those who are their superiors. Gary Burnison also talked about this, saying,
“I remember feeling self-conscious when I met with a four-star general at the Pentagon. And again, feeling that way in a meeting with Britain’s then-Prime Minister David Cameron. But I took a deep breath and spoke up anyway.”
It’s only human to defer to authority. You be yourself, because nobody expects you to give a lengthy speech. But if you try to voice yourself, people will listen to you and relate to you.
No Comments