You’re sitting in a meeting or chatting over coffee, and suddenly you feel annoyed. It isn’t so much what’s being said, but the way it’s said.
A Harvard-educated psychologist and public-speaking coach, John F. Bowe calls some phrases, including some couched in pseudo-politeness, a red flag for communication etiquette gone wrong.
Let’s be honest here, good communication manners are not rocket science. It’s all about being respectful, being clear, and being mindful of receiving what you’re saying.
Miss any one of those seven phrases, and you can come across as being rude or condescending, even when you’re not. Here’s how to become an articulate speaker.
1. “Do you want to…?”
It’s polite-sounding on the surface: “Do you want to go get lunch?” But throw it at someone to command them to do chores, “Do you want to take out the garbage?”, and you’ve just dressed a command in finery. That false option is manipulative.
What to say instead? Drop the sarcasm. Try this plain but polite one: “Would you mind doing me a favor? Can you take out the trash?” It’s direct, it’s honest, and it indicates you’re not attempting to get out of it.
2. “The thing is …”
It’s your verbal drum roll, a precursor to the big moment. The catch is, it comes across as pompous-sounding. Overdo it, and you become that guy.
What to replace it with? “I think” is direct, honest, and declares opinion, not authority. It will maintain your conversation casual and listener-friendly.
3. “Right?”
It’s inviting rhetorical ping-pong. Too much too often, especially in interviews: “This season’s been crazy, right?” Not only is it filler, but it invites approval. Passive-aggressive, anyone?
What to say instead: Be genuinely curious: “What do you think about this season, it’s been nuts!” You’ll learn something (rather than eliciting groans).
4. “Well, find a way.”
The door-closer to steer clear of. Leadership is not opening doors, it’s opening solutions. Closing dialogue, not problems.
Team it up. “Let’s talk and figure it out.” Boom, you’re being supportive and not shutting them down.
5. “It is what it is.”
“Stop whining.” If a person is complaining, this is effectively the silent treatment with attitude, far from comforting.
Keep an empathetic tone. A simple “That’s difficult, sorry you’re having to endure that” will get you far in communicating to them that you listened.
6. “Clearly…”
A humble brag? Hardly. This comes out sounding arrogant, even if you’re trying to come across as intelligent or rational.
Drop it. Let your argument stand on its own. Silence or plain language works to give you an aura of confidence, not one-upmanship.
7. “If you want my honest opinion …” (or “I was just joking”)
Newsflash: Nobody will request it if nobody asks. And disclaimers aren’t an excuse for a cutting remark.
Something to try instead: Say something like, “Maybe,” or “Would it help if I said…” What if you actually hurt someone? Try to really apologize, not hedge again.
Why Care About All of This?
Your first impression is conversation, and each error loses you social charm. Careless words can get you perceived to be passive-aggressive, arrogant, or belittling, even if you feel neutral.
Research study from Harvard and Wharton suggests that open-ended questioners are perceived as warmer and more intelligent. Who does not enjoy being heard? And communication experts know: asking questions is better than putting in “right?” any day.
Beyond the Seven: What Else Counts?
It’s not merely about avoiding cringeworthy language. Manners and conversational propriety are founded on respect, compassion, and genuine interest.
Boston University clinical psychologist Ellen Hendriksen recently told CNBC,
“To connect with others, we can’t hide large parts of ourselves. We have to be willing to reveal, to some extent, what we think, do, feel, and relate to in order to give our conversation partner something to work with.”
By sharing tiny pieces of yourself, such as sharing a funny story, you become instantly warmer and more relatable. It’s all about gaining “conversational doorknobs.” Here are more tips to enhance your speech:
- Be proactive, not reactive – Think of your audience first before speaking. Put together what matters most to listeners.
- Be direct – Avoid avoiding directness. “Send that report, if you would” is not as direct an expression as “Could you possibly?”
- Ask, listen, repeat – Open-ended questions show you’re interested: “How did that project turn out?” Wait. Let them speak and provide follow-up questions.
- Be attentive to emotional tone – A warm “thanks!” or “please” makes a difference even in brief interactions.
- Less is more – An effective one-liner is better than lecturing.
By using these, you will certainly nail communications etiquette.
Are You Guilty of Doing These Things?
Yes, we all slip up. Consciousness is required in order to shift language. Catch yourself next time you find yourself uttering “It is what it is” or “Right?” Replace it with one of the enhanced options. Pay attention. Did it sound nicer?
The beauty of these seven sentences? They’re a breeze to fix and can make a world of difference in professional and personal life. No one wants to be that person.
Stick to empathy, straightforwardness, and clarity, with a dash of charm, and you’ll master the communication etiquette, social etiquette, and good etiquette and manners in general.
Cut the unnecessary filler, fake choices, and insincere politeness. Let in simple language, interest, and respect. Good manners in communication aren’t uptight, they’re effective. It isn’t talking down, but sounding like you should be listened to.
It builds trust and gets results. Invest a bit more in your way of talking, and you’ll find others leaning in, not zoning out. Because if you can’t get it right, maybe don’t say it. But if you get it right? You’ll sound like you’re worth listening to.
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